Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 5/25/2010
My teammate Birkleigh and I had dinner tonight with a girl named Binky. I met her because I have a coffee addiction, and I have recently discovered that it may actually be a spiritual gift. We became friends over my vanilla latte. I think God made me love coffee as much as I do so that I would find that little coffee shop she works in. I felt drawn to her from the beginning and I knew the Lord wanted to touch her heart.
Birkleigh and I invited her out for dinner. We prayed throughout the day that she would come to know the Lord over the meal. And she did.
We sat down to some Indian food and started asking her questions about her life. She has a 2 year old nephew, a sister that she sees once a week, she loves to read, and she doesn't follow any religion. She told us that she believes in doing what she feels is right but she is not sure about God. She is probably the most precious, gentle person you will ever meet.
We began to tell her about what Jesus has done in our lives, of his love for us, and then of his love for her. She listened with excitement and a smile that lit up the room. She told us she had never heard of this before, had never heard the story of Jesus. She said she felt something, that it was right, and she felt that God was right there in that room. We told her that He was right there and that He loved her before she even knew about Him, and all she could say was, "Really??? Me?" She couldn't believe it.
She asked if we thought God brought us to her, and we said yes, that God had prompted us to take her out for dinner and tell her the good news about Jesus. That was her favorite part. Later in the evening, we brought her to meet some of our other teammates. She was telling them about what had happened to her and when talking about us inviting her to dinner she looked at me and said, "And tell them why you invited me to dinner." I laughed and told them how God had wanted her to know Him and that He had prompted us to invite her. Her smile was completely contagious.
We gave her a bible and she held it close to her for the rest of the night. She told us she wants to learn everything in it. She told us she is so excited to tell her family about what she has found. She said she has never felt like this before and can't believe that God would now send her to tell someone else about His love. She is excited to learn worship songs. After she prayed to accept the Lord I told her about what worship songs are. She was ready to learn some and actually made us sing a couple in the restaurant for her so that she could learn some and sing to Jesus too.
I am so humbled and amazed at what the Lord is doing around the world. There are people who have no idea who Jesus is and then five minutes later they are exploding with joy and making me sing in a public restaurant so that they can learn songs to worship Him. It is more than a Sunday morning religious exercise. These people have encountered the love, grace, and mercy of the living God. I was so excited to be able to share and pray with two others this week who had the same joy filled reaction as Binky.
I will be seeing her again tomorrow morning and will probably order my vanilla latte. There is nothing better than meeting people like Binky and sharing the treasure that is found in the love of Jesus Christ.
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 5/5/2010
I think at this point most people know that I can be kind of forgetful. I like to think that I have more important things to think about than the details of daily life. Like for example the fact that my daypack is still on the plane and I am walking happily further and further away from the plane thinking about how excited I am to be in Vietnam. I did eventually wonder why it felt like I was missing something and turned back to find my teammate Tres carrying it. Thanks Tres.
God has been teaching me not to forget. Even though I have been trying to cut back on forgetting everyday details, I don't think that is what He is most concerned with. I read through Deutoronomy last month and one thing that stood out to me was how often God's complaint against His people was that had forgotten about Him.
"Only take care and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life."
"Take care, lest you forget..."
"and when you eat and are full, take care lest you forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the house of slavery."
"lest when you have eaten and are full and have built good houses and live in them, and when your herds and floks multiply, and your silver and gold is multiplied and all that you have is multiplied, then your heart be lifted up, and you forget the Lord your God."
It has been so obvious to me on the race that comfort breeds complacency. When I have what I need. When I have what I want. When I have been blessed beyond measure, it is then that I get lost in the goodness of everyday and forget to thank the one who gave it to me. I forget to seek Him and I forget to remember where He has brought me from. From the house of Egypt. From the house of slavery. I have already forgotten some of the amazing things He has done in my life and have been content to live in normalcy.
I want to take some time to remember. In a month where I have AC, where God has just recently provided for me beyond what I had expected, and in a month that so far feels very comfortable, I want to take the time and make the effort to remember.
"Remember the wondrous works that He has done..."
1st Chronicles 16:12
1. When I was 5 I remember running out to the car after Sunday School and locking the doors. I crouched down underneath the seat, cried, and asked Jesus to come into my life.
2. God blessed me with an amazing family who taught me about the Lord and loved me unconditionally.
Dad, you showed me what a real man, father, and husband looks like. I remember being 6 and you thought you had hurt my feelings one day. You cried throughout the apology. I won't ever forget that. I respect and appreciate all that you have done and provided for me more than you know.
Mom, you always make me laugh and are a walking hospitality and love lesson for those around you everyday. I love being around you and I can't wait to see you again!
Jonny, handstand contests in the basement and late night soccer on the golf course. That is all I need to say. Thanks for always practicing your new wrestling moves on me ha! I love you!
Matt, you are so incredibly talented and have more potential than you will ever know. I am excited to hear about whatever new topic or instrument you have completely mastered in the time I have been gone.
3. I prayed for just one Christian friend in 8th grade. A few weeks later I found out we were moving to MN. My dad called the church to get a couple names of girls who would be friendly faces for me. In one of my classes we had assigned seating and one was on my right and one was on my left.
4. God began to open my eyes to my desperate need for him in College. He turned my apathy into passion and began to show me what He was really about. He made me come alive.
5. I moved after graduation to a completely new state where I knew no one and tried to fundraise for The World Race. At the end of the summer the people I had just met put together a surprise going away fundraiser in a college auditorium. They arranged for a comedy performance and a desert reception and I was able to raise about $2,000 that night. I came on the World Race almost fully funded.
6. I found an RN position 15 minutes from my parents house that was willing to hire me for 3 months before the race and wanted to take me back after the race. During the 3 months I needed more hours and prayed for them. One lady was let go and the other was out much longer than expected with back surgery. I was the only one left to cover all of the hours.
There are so many other ways and stories of how the Lord has provided for me and protected me throughout my life. When I look back through my World Race journals of all the specific ways He spoke to me exactly what I needed or was asking about it is ridiculous. Not to mention the way God healed my eye in Israel, crazy divine appointments, perfect timing provision, and all the ways God has opened my eyes to the world around me. I can see why God is always telling Israel to remember Him. To remember what He has done. To remember where He has brought us from. To remember who He is. To remember that the end of the story has already been written.
It's difficult to get lost in the comfort and blessings when I am lost in gratitude over what God has been doing and how He has been working out His purposes in my life. I guess maybe it is OK to be forgetful of the little, everyday details like daypacks on planes (don't worry Dad I'm still trying to work on that one too). On the other hand there are some things that I never want to forget!!
"The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as He did in Egypt before your very eyes, and in the wilderness where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place." Deuteronomy 1:30-31
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 4/20/2010
Yesterday morning I had the opportunity to give the devotional to a group of women who had come out of the bars. I had no idea what to talk about and 10 minutes before asked God for at least a verse. He put Matthew 6:25-33 on my heart.
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing...Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field which is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious saying, what shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear? For the Gentiles seek after these things and your heavenly father knows that you need them all. BUT SEEK FIRST the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and ALL these things will be added to you."
I talked about approaching Jesus with faith like a child. I talked about how a little baby comes to her father, desperate and unable to do anything for herself. She comes without fear, and she comes knowing that her father will provide for her when she can't provide for herself.
After the devotional I felt convicted and I asked the Lord to increase faith in my own life. I felt like He wanted to begin preparing me for a lifetime of radical trust and dependence. Which He conviently gave me the opportunity to practice when I found out my bank card was missing and I didn't have any access to money. Instead of borrowing I felt like God wanted me to step out and ask him to provide for me when I was unable to have any backup money of my own. I was going to need some new toothpaste soon so I decided to start asking in advance that God would somehow provide for me a tube of toothpaste.
At this point I had 40 Baht to my name which is a little over $1. It costs 40 baht to go to and from town. A couple of girls were going to the coffee shop to use internet and I decided to go and trust God. You have to buy a drink to use the internet so I decided to go read and if He wanted to provide a drink for me so I could use internet I wouldn't mind that at all.
I sat down and the man next to me immediately asked if I was a Christian. I said yes and we began talking about The World Race and the ministry we were doing here. It was an amazingly encouraging conversation. I will admit that being in the bars wears on me. I was feeling discouraged today and thanked the Lord for sending someone to be excited about what we were doing. Besides that he and his wife had the cutest baby in the world. They walked away and I felt reenergized about going out to the bars again.
About ten minutes later the wife came back and told me they wanted to give me a gift. That they loved what I was doing and hoped I wouldn't take a financial gift the wrong way. They wanted to bless me. They gave me $1,000 baht which is about $30. I started tearing up and told her about what God was teaching me about trusting him through losing my bank card. I cried when she left.
Ten minutes after that the husband came back and told me they wanted to give me more. He gave me 100 Australian dollars which is close to $95 US dollars. My child like faith exploded. My Abba Father is so good to me.
I only asked for a tube of toothpaste.
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 4/18/2010
It is extremely difficult to see a hand with a gold ring on it grope a prostitute. It is even more difficult when that hand has pulled her away from a conversation about alternative options with me. It is heartbreaking when you ask about bruises and they tell you it was from a drunk customer the night before. I hate overhearing laughter and comments from groups of guys when they see me talking with a bar girl and writing down her phone number. They tell their friends and they all stare, thinking I might be a lesbian and they might get to see something.
After all that I have seen, all of the disrespect and abuse of women, I have been asking God to give me a heart of compassion for the men that frequent the bars as well. It has been interesting what God has opened up my eyes to. I have noticed so many men out and about with their prostitutes during the day. They are taking them out to lunch, walking through stores, and trying to draw them into conversation. I've noticed men trying to tell jokes and it almost looks as though they are trying to impress the girls that they have paid for. I see many walking around just holding hands. It hit me that the men are desperate for companionship. That although some come purely for sex, it seems like the majority are looking to find some kind of fake intimacy. A lot of the girls talk about having "boyfriends" overseas that they still talk to and who still send money to support them and their family. Most of the girls have several "boyfriends" that they juggle to create the most beneficial financial situation for themselves. The men are so lonely that they are willing to pay for attention, affection, and companionship.
I have had the opportunity to talk with several of the men in the bars. One night as I was standing talking to a group of bar girls a very drunk man from Australia approached me. He asked where I was from and then immediately began justifying his behavior. Without me saying anything he started telling me how he was a better guy at home. I told him there was more for him than what he was doing here and he asked if I was a Christian. I said yes and began sharing with him about Jesus. After a few minutes he told me Jesus Christ doesn't exist and stumbled back over into the next door strip club. I wonder what made him walk away from his group of friends and delay watching a girl strip in order to explain himself to a complete stranger. Even if he doesn't know it, I know he was looking for something more.
I have also enjoyed explaining to the men exactly what I am doing there. When you won't let them buy you a drink, and they realize you aren't there to dance and flirt with the girls, they start to wonder what exactly you are doing there. So they ask. I explained to a group of men the other night that we build relationships with the girls and offer them alternative options. I told them that most girls are away from their family and feel that this is their only way to send money home to support them. I told them most of the girls tell us they hate it here and have to get extremely drunk in order to go home with a man. I genuinely want the men to know what is going on behind the scenes but I will admit I find a lot of satisfaction watching their eyes shift to the floor and seeing them shift nervously in their seats. I'm trying not to speak in a condemning way and most of them tell me that what I am doing is great. I am praying that it makes them think twice. It is obvious that most of the men are as broken as the women.
As I was leaving the bars our first night out, I passed a guy handing out fliers. I immediately felt like I should go talk to him, but I kept walking because honestly he intimidated me and I thought maybe it wasn't such a great idea. My friend Denise was with me and said "I felt like I should go talk to that guy". I said "So did I, we should probably go back."
We approached him and asked what he was doing here. He was from England and said he had wanted something different and that he was happy and having fun here. I can't explain how unconvincing he sounded. Denise told him that she didn't believe him. We started telling him that there was more in life for him than what he was doing here. I told him that we were only here because of what God has done in our lives and told him about what God wants for his life. I shared with him the verse in Isaiah 65 that says "I was ready to be sought by those who did not ask for me, I was ready to be found by those who did not seek me." We told him even if he wasn't seeking God, God was seeking him. He said that might be true. I asked to pray for him and kept my eyes open. I looked at him in the eye while I prayed and he began tearing up. When we left he told us thank you.
God is teaching me not to condemn and not to judge. He is teaching me to speak the truth boldly and look on everyone with compassion. There is no way I could have a heart for the men without the Lord. I am grateful for the way the Lord has helped me to look at the men the way he looks at them. I know God desires to redeem and restore their lives and hearts just as he is jealous for the women.
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 4/18/2010
April 17th, 2010 was an amazing day. There wasn't anything particularly different about it except God showed up over and over again in the ordinary. It was a day off and I was expecting it to be nothing more than a relaxing day at the beach...
1. We decided that instead of paying for the bus we would ask God to give us free transportation into town. As we were waiting at the bus stop a woman in a pickup pulled up and gave all 5 of us a free ride into town.
2. Lindsey saw a man with a plate of nachos and got excited because she has been wanting mexican food for 9 months. We were in the bathroom and for whatever reason I laughed and said we should pray that man gives you his plate of nachos. So I half jokingly prayed out loud that she would get those nachos. She stopped by his table and asked if they were good and that she was thinking of getting some. I was at our table and died laughing when I turned around to see Lindsey walking back with a barely touched plate of nachos in hand. The man had given them to her. Then I enjoyed some mexican.
3. The beach was beautiful. White sandy beaches, mountains, and a beautiful clear sky. I walked up and down the beach with my IPOD just worshiping. When I got to one end of the beach I saw a woman sitting by herself. I went to talk to her and knew in my heart it was the same woman two girls on my team had talked to for an hour the other night. She was the one who couldn't understand that Denise's husband treated her well. I asked her if she remembered Denise and Katie and it was in fact the same woman. God is relentlessly pursuing her heart and it awesome to see how He is sending us to her over and over.
4. Tamica lost her sunglasses in the water when she forgot they were on her face and dove into a wave. We said we should pray she finds them again and she said she didn't think God really cared about her 4 dollar sunglasses. Denise said nope, you are going to find them again. An hour later, walking out a different part of the beach, Tamica's foot hit them and she has her 4 dollar sunglasses back.
5. I had an iced vanilla latte at Starbucks. I know God loves me.
6. While I was sitting at Starbucks I met 3 girls my age from Bahrain. Which is apparently a little Island in the Middle East. I pulled up a chair and we spent about an hour talking and laughing. They were muslim and I asked all about Islam. Then they asked what I believe so I got to share about Jesus.
7. I watched one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen sitting on the white sandy beach. I read Psalm 19 and saw verse 1 right in front of me. "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." I felt filled to overflowing with his joy, peace, and love.
8. As we were leaving the beach and heading home I went to go visit one of the girls I had met at the bar. I was sitting outside waiting for her to finish putting on her makeup for the night and talking with some other girls. All of a sudden I got goosebumps and almost started crying. Over the loudspeakers that play on the entire street of bars came the song Who Am I by Casting Crowns. These are the words that an entire street of prostitutes and men heard.
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my hurt
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what you've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
Lord you catch me when I'm falling
And you show me who I am
I am yours
We found the DJ who had no idea what he had really just played. We asked if we could make a mix and if he would play it next time we came. He said yes. God is in the middle of taking back those streets for himself and for his own glory.
9. Came back to the house and sat around with my group of 15 girls just laughing and talking about everything God had done that day. Went to bed in my bathing suit all ready to head to the beach again the next day.
This is what I want for life. I don't really want "off days." I want to see God's goodness, provision, and divine appointments every day of my life. I want to be available and present to the fact that He is so close to me all the time. I want to be easily interrupted by people and never miss an opportunity. Like the Thai man we met while waiting for the mystery bus that never came. He asked what we were here for. We told him and he said "Jesus?" "Is it true He can really save sinners?" Blown away. Or the lady who randomly started talking to us on the street and 5 minutes later we were talking about Jesus and praying for her back in her shop. I don't really want everything I need, because then I will be robbed of opportunities to see God show up and surprise me. I never knew life could be like this. The way Jesus tells us to live is the most exciting thing I have ever experienced, and I want this to be the way I live life forever.
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 4/16/2010
I'm trying to figure out the best way to explain the flashing red lights, the ladyboy prostitutes, the "girls for sale" signs, the streets lined with pole dancers, the broken women, and the lonely, desperate men of Phuket, Thailand. I can't. There is no way to adequately communicate and convey the depravity and perversion that I have seen the last two nights in the bars here. I have seen familys with young children walking down streeets filled with prostitutes. I have seen girls walking with their boyfriends into strip clubs and married couples hanging out with prostitutes. I have seen fathers with their sons laughing about picking out girls for the night. I have seen bars where they raffle off a girl every night. You can buy a cheap ticket and if your name gets pulled, you win her for the night.
One of the things that suprised me the most was in the way the girls reacted to me at first when I approached them for conversation. A lot of them would begin by being flirty and touchy with me until they realized that I wasn't there for that.
We begin ministry around 9:00 PM. We have a window of time between about 9 and 12:00 when there aren't as many men out yet and the girls aren't completely drunk. They are given free alcohol every night and expected to take shots with the men when asked to keep their party faces on. One girl said she has to get completely drunk before she can go home with a man because she hates it so much. Most of the girls we talked to said that they hate having to get drunk every night. Most don't have nights off. Every girl that I have had a conversation with in the past two nights said she didn't want to be working there. Every girl I talked to told me about their family in Northern or Southern Thailand that they were making money to send to. Many of them had children that they rarely got to see. We have a married woman on our team who was talking with a 40 year old prostitute. The prostitute asked what it was like to be married and if her huband wanted sex from her all the time. Denise told her that they waited until they got married to have sex and that they talk and do other things together. The woman just stared at her and couldn't understand.
I met one girl that I absolutely fell in love with. I saw her looking at us accross the bar multiple times so I waved and went over to talk to her. She opened up to me right away. We talked about what she likes to do when she isn't working, her family, and her "friend" that she had to go home with that night. He was "celebrating" the fact that he was going to be getting married in a month by visiting a prostitute in Thailand. She pulled out her phone and showed me pictures of her daughter. She told me she wants me to come back to Thailand when her daughter is visiting so that I can meet her. I found out she likes shopping and asked her to take me to some of the good spots in town. She gave me her phone number and asked if we could go to the beach together too. She told me I had a loving face and I almost started crying. It was obvious she was desperate for someone to talk to and was so excited that I was willing to listen to her.
For as dark as the atmosphere of the bars is, the Lord has completely protected me. I have asked for supernatural joy being in such a heartbreaking environment, and He has given it to me. I am excited because God is moving and opening doors for us to share his love with these girls, and with the men as well. I have come back both nights with joy and peace that are indescribable. I can't wait to get back there every night and love on those girls. Being there has completely energized me and I love going to the darkest places and to the lonliest people. They are so hungry for Jesus and I am so excited to share what I have found in Him with them! God has given us multiple opportunities to share the love of Christ and an opportunity to get out of prostitution with so many girls already. More girls than we had expected have given us their phone numbers and have been interested in finding a way out. God is moving, drawing these girls back to himself with a love that they have never before known. I am so excited to be here I can't even stand it!!
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 3/13/2010
I now realize why I have been so completely exhausted. I thought maybe it was a little ridiculous for me to start sweating and need a break after a 10 minute walk, but for some reason I just didn't think I needed to go get checked out. My team told me to go to the doctor, but I put up a fight about it for a few days. As much as I like being in a hospital as a nurse, I really, really hate being a patient. Finally, I broke down and let Birkleigh take me to the hospital.
I know next time I should not be stubborn and just go to the doctor, but God even used my stubbornness for good. The timing was just what He wanted. I ended up waiting in line for a while at the clinic. At this hospital I sat outside waiting in the sun to see a doctor. It was hot. I saw a girl across the way dressed head to toe in all of the Muslim clothing. I thought about how hot she must be with all of those layers and head covering on, and I immediately felt grateful for the freedom that the Lord allows me to live in everyday.
I felt like God wanted me to go sit next to her.
I began talking with her and found out she was 18 years old and was here for her older sister's baby. She likes listening to music and she likes to sing. I let her listen to a few worship songs on my IPOD and she seemed to really enjoy them.
Her 25 year old sister came out of the office soon after with the baby. The baby was extremely cute so of course I had to hold it. It snuggled up to me and I asked if I could pray for her in the name of Jesus. They said yes, so I did.
A finger prick, stethescope, and a conversation later I found out that I actually did have something more than a cold and a little travel exhaustion. I had malaria just like the little baby. God used our sickness to bring us to the same place at the same time.
I felt drawn to these girls. They were my age, and living a completely different lifestyle than I was. I knew that God wanted me to share with them about who Jesus was. After coming out of the doctor's office for my own visit, I was excited to see that they were still at the clinic, waiting for more results. I went over to sit with them again.
The older sister asked me what my purpose was for being in Tanzania. Wide open door. I told her we were here telling people about Jesus, and helping out with churches and serving however we could. She responded with, "Why can't you tell me about Jesus?" I smiled and told her that I definitely could.
I asked her what she knew about Jesus and she told me that she knew he was a prophet. I got to tell her that He was a lot more than that. The Lord gave me an opportunity to share the whole gospel with her. She smiled and told me thank you for telling her. We exchanged phone numbers and planned to meet up as soon as I have a little bit more energy. I got a text message from her last night telling me that her baby was back to normal and was able to play and eat again.
I am realizing that Jesus is Lord of the ordinary. Many of the opportunities to share his love with others have come in the mundane, routine things of life. Meeting someone in a grocery store, in line at the hospital, or just walking down the street. God's idea of ministry is different from my own and nothing happens by accident. As tired as I still am, it was amazing how revived I felt just sharing God's love with someone who doesn't know Him. He uses us in our weakness, in our exhaustion, and in the everyday outings of life. His kingdom comes in all differnet kinds of ways, at all kinds of places, and through all different kinds of people.
Pray that I get better quickly and can meet up with these women again!
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 3/10/2010
I am in Mwanza, Tanzania and honestly ready to be in Davenport, IA. I miss my family and I miss home. I am completely worn out. I have really been struggling to fall asleep at night. The mosquitoes are relentless, the air is thick and muggy, and I am sharing a room with 7 other girls. I have also discovered in Africa that I HATE roosters. Especially the one that wakes me up every single morning between 6 and 7 AM. Physically I am completely exhausted.
The pace of ministry is much slower this month. We have been running the midweek programs at the church we are partnering with and in the day we have been going door to door to share Jesus and engage people in conversation. Despite the slower pace, I feel unable to find real rest or refreshment. Spiritually I have felt dry and I can feel apathy and discouragement creeping in. I feel like I haven't known what to do to get back to an energized passion for serving the Lord. After months of feeling so close to God I could explode, I have been sinking down into a valley. My physical exhaustion has started to become spiritual.
I have let my mind wander to what life will be like after the race. I am excited to be back home with my family, and excited for God to show me where He wants me to go and reveals how He wants to use me. During church this past Sunday I was contemplating all of the interesting directions God could take me in four months. I realized that wasn't where God wanted my heart and I asked him to speak to me. I opened up my bible to John 4:35
"Do you not say, "There are yet four months, then comes the harvest? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest."
It is interesting that there are four months left in the race and God was telling me through this verse to look around me and wake up. I felt the words sink deep into my heart. I knew they were for me. So how do I stop being exhausted? How do I push past the burn out? After my last blog of all my lofty goals and aspirations and ideas of who I want to be I feel completely incapable of living that out. I am being humbled in my weakness and I am continuing to realize how much I need Him. This month has so far been a month of desperation for God's touch and presence.
But of course, God has been teaching me something. My natural response to where my heart is at right now; in the apathy, the exhaustion, the distraction; would be to press on. To forget how I'm feeling, spend time in the word, and continue in ministry when I am feeling empty and dry. I haven't even been able to do that by myself.
God has used books, other people, and sermons to get across to me the same message. That He loves me in my weakness and in my failure and in my apathy and distraction. That might seem like a simple message. He loves me. Right now. Today. He is the faithful one, and He will be faithful to me even now.
I have been suspicious of the whole "just let God love you" phrase. It just didn't sit well with me. I'm not sure why but it seemed to easy and it didn't seem to emphasis holiness and righteousness enough. The interesting thing I have found however, is that sitting in the middle of the love of God is what actually gives me the energy and desire to "live a life worthy of the calling." It is exhausting trying to implement behavioral modification when my heart is not resting securely in the unchanging, all-consuming, amazing love of my heavenly Father.
I have been expecting God to change my heart by showing me someone else who is worse off than I am, by convicting me through a sermon, or by making me feel guilty in some way about why my heart is becoming apathetic. I am on a missions trip in Africa trying to tell people about Jesus; an apathetic heart is just not exactly what I need right now. Instead, He has been patiently loving me back into passion and energy.
I am excited about ministry not because I should be. Not because I have to be because I am a missionary and that is what missionaries do. But because God is continually pouring out his love on me and I can't help but share that. He is sustaining me when things are hard, and teaching me how his love really is better than anything else.
"For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all..." 2nd Corinthians 5:14
Yesterday I ran into a woman we had visited during door to door. She ran up and threw her arms around me and talked about how we needed to come back so she could hear more. I walked across the street and a 2 year old boy that I had never seen before ran up to me smiling with arms wide open. I picked him up and he just cuddled me for the next 15 minutes. In these moments I see the love of God. I feel how much He loves me and it compels me to love others and share the incredible treasure of the kingdom of heaven that I have found.
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 2/22/2010
I knew that this trip would change me. I knew that it would change my worldview. I knew that it would make me more aware of global issues, and I knew it would develop my heart for the poor. I knew I would grow closer to the Lord, and I hoped to walk off the plane in July with some clear direction for the future.
I had no idea that on top of all these things, my thought process, expectations, personality, definition of God, concept of the kingdom of heaven, hopes, dreams, goals and aspirations would be rocked, turned upside down, and then shaken to the core. I have learned and experienced more in the last 7 months than I can even begin to put into words. I have learned more about the heart of God than I even knew was there to learn about. It would be pointless to try and explain. Honestly I am starting to dread questions of what happened and what I learned when I get home. How do you possibly explain what has happened in my life? How can I possibly communicate what has happened in my heart and in my mind?
As difficult as it is to explain, I need to at least try and write it out. I want God to get glory for who He is and what He has done in me.
For most of my life I have hated to be up front. I never raised my hand in class, and I never voluntarily did any kind of public speaking. I preferred to be in the background. It was much easier that way. I never had to speak out and say something wrong. I never had to be humbled and I could comfortably hold on to my pride and insecurities.
I aimed to please. I never wanted to be looked to for a decision because I would rather not make a decision that made anyone else unhappy. I would rather keep quiet than say anything difficult. Every single nursing evaluation that I ever received in Nursing School had the same one thing I could improve on. "Bethany has a great attitude and bedside manner but needs to work on being more assertive and building her confidence." Every semester. I think most of my timidity has been built around a fear of failing and quite a lot of pride if I am honest. I don't want to make a mistake or reveal that I am not good at something. I have settled for mediocre in school and other areas because I have been afraid to put my full effort into something and come up short.
I have been extremely self-centered in the past (Mom and Dad you can vouch for this. Matt and Jonny you too). I have struggled to walk consistently with the Lord. I haven't been able to follow through on most things that I have started. My heart has been for my own spiritual growth rather than for the heart of the Father. My heart has been wrapped up in my own needs and desires rather than poured out for the poor, the fatherless, the widow, the needy, and the lost.
I am far from where I want to be but I want to give glory where glory is due. Encountering God in the face of a small child, experiencing God in a conversation with my teammate, and learning to enjoy time in God's presence more than anything else has changed me. The Lord has begun to strip me of my pride and has put me in positions where I am forced to step out and speak up. I am now leading my team of seven and learning that the timidity I once held onto like a security blanket can't be my comfort anymore.
In Africa you are asked to speak on the spot and as the leader I have had multiple "opportunities" to be challenged and rely fully on the Lord for words. He definitely uses us in our weakness. I found myself preaching a full sermon yesterday and I wondered who I even was anymore. The desire to be in the background has been replaced with a passion and excitement to share who God is and what He has done for me.
Being in God's presence and seeing more and more of the world around me has broken my heart in many new ways. God has been replacing and changing my self-centered thought patterns with an incredible desire to lay myself down more and more. The more I see God the more I can't do anything else. I have found more satisfaction and joy in pursuing the heart of God than I have ever found in living for myself.
I made a list in my journal titled "Where I want to go". I want to continue to allow the Lord to change me and I wrote down a few ideas that I want to define my life.
Where I Want to Go...
Live a life of excellence: I want to be someone who follows through and works hard. When I say I am going to do something I want people to know that I will actually do it. I want to live with complete integrity. I want to be more disciplined.
Stay Hungry: I don't want to ever settle or be complacent. I want to work to maintain passion in every area of my life.
Live with two hands open - wide open : I want to grow in generosity and redefine what I "can" and "can't" afford to give. I have seen people with nothing give everything they have.
Never fall back into the box I just climbed out of: I want to always remember that nothing is impossible with God and that the "American Dream" isn't really that great.
Read, Write, Learn : I want to always keep learning, reading, and writing. That one is pretty simple.
Redefine Comfort: I want to be "comfortable" and content only when I'm right where God wants me, whether that is on a mattress or on the floor.
Chase contentment. Catch it. Keep it: I want to remind myself daily that I already have all that I need and more no matter what.
Be Present to every moment: I don't want to waste any time wishing I was somewhere else or thinking about something other than the person I'm talking to
Get off the female insecurity bandwagon and stay off of it: That's really all I need to say.
"Laugh at the days to come": This is my favorite part about the Proverbs 31 woman. I want to be someone who refuses to live in anxiety and worry.
Always pursue the heart of the Father : I don't want to live for the next bible study or conference, but I want to passionately pursue the heart of God every day.
The changes that have been happening in my life and heart are only because of God's grace! I am so excited about who He is, what He has done, and what He is going to do in my life in the future! It is all because of Him!
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Posted in General Posts by Bethany Brueggen on 2/18/2010
We were given one hour to speak and interact with the inmates. I had no idea what to expect and was surprised when we met the prisoners in an open field. They were wearing their striped pajama uniforms and I couldn't help thinking that the scene looked like something out of a movie. We sat down on white lawn chairs facing 150 African convicts. We shared our names, why we had come, and told them that we had brought them all soap as a gift. They clapped gratefully and looked at us with curiousity.
My teammate Tres got up to speak to them. He shared the gospel with them, as well as the fact that his own little brother had spent time in prison. He told them to listen up because he never had a chance to tell his little brother what he wanted to tell them. I was surprised at their eager eyes and rapt attention. They were hungry for hope. We were able to show them where the only true hope is found. Jesus Christ.
When Tres finished his talk, he asked if any wanted to receive Christ and turn their lives over to the Lord. Almost 100 men raised their hands and came forward. As we prayed for them they lifted their hands up to the sky and some of them wept. Afterward I asked the pastor if that had ever happened before. It seemed like such a large number! I know God can move and do anything, but really? 100 men in one day? The pastor told me this was extremely uncommon. He said that we had seen the hand of the Lord that day. We left completely overwhelmed.
We decided that there was no way we could just leave it at that. We knew God wanted us to go back to the prison. We wanted to find a way to get the new believers some bibles. Bookshop after bookshop gave us prices for bibles. We ended up finding a place who decided to sell us bibles for an extremely low price. The owner was basically making 2 shillings off of every bible he sold us which is roughly 2.5 cents. They only had a few bibles in stock however, and were unsure as to when the next shipment was going to come in.
God, however, obviously wanted those prisoners to have access to his word. A random shipment came in a couple of days before we were planning to go back to the prison, and we were able to purchase the bibles out of our team budget. Not only that, but the pastor was shocked when he heard what bookstore we had gotten the bibles from. He said that everyone avoids that store because it is so overpriced and the owners aren't even believers. God was moving.
Our second visit to the prison was incredible. We met the prisoners in the same open field and there was an incredible softness to them. They smiled and clapped eagerly when it was translated that we had brought them bibles. We were able to pray with them individually for specific needs. Many of the requested needs involved deliverance from demonic oppression, a deeper hunger and thirst for God, a way to use the gifts God had given them, healing from sickness, and jobs for post-prison life.
A group of 15 of them had even prepared a song for us that they performed with instruments. One of the ladies translated the words for me. It talked about how the first life was lived in sin, and how Satan had weighed them down with the weight. The chorus however, sums it all up. "But now we are saved!" We walked out of the prison doors to a chorus of worship songs behind us.
We weren't allowed to take pictures inside, but this is our group leaving after the second visit!
(we found some puppies nearby...)
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